Posted 20 hours ago

Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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The main reason I’m mentioning this here is because whenever I refer to Top Cat as ‘Boss Cat’ even as an obvious joke, I get inundated with replies ‘explaining’ this backstory to me, even on occasions when I have clearly referenced the explanation myself. Artificial Intelligence: If you were to give a cat a human voice, what would it sound like if it sang the national anthem? The drunk man is turning up regardless and is going to shout something, so you might as well choose.

Standing at eight feet and eleven inches, he remains the record holder for the World’s Tallest Man, and the BBC children’s show Record Breakers once commemorated this achievement with Roy Castle singing a spectacularly convoluted song whilst tap-dancing and trumpet playing around a lifesize statue of him, which later toured a number of children’s television-related exhibitions. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste? If you could make one part of your body or one of your senses fifty times more sensitive than it currently is, which body part or sense would get a fifty times increase in sensitivity? Phoebe Herring: Would you rather fall into a pool of lava or, at the last minute, be eaten by a crocodile instead of falling into the pool of lava? Ben Evans: How do you think Simon Pegg was chosen to play the amazing role of Thompson in the new Tintin film?Would you rather have to always wash your clothes in a dishwasher or always wash your plates, pans, cups, etc. Which celebrity do you think is the most likely to have a collection of the severed fingers of his or her victims made into a bizarre necklace that he or she wears when they’re away from the spotlight? You can’t change your initial decision, even if in later years you start to resemble someone else or if you are much too old to be the person you chose.

Would you rather have the ability to shoot bees out of your eyes or have a pair of shoes that never needed to be cleaned or repaired? If you could travel back to any historical period – not just your finger, all of you – A) Where would go if you could go back one time to one historical place in time, where would you go? If your current partner was going to leave you for a world-famous comedian, who would you most like it to be? To my absolute bewilderment, this Emergency Question was immediately set upon by ‘Didn’t Happen’-type characters, who started demanding ‘proof’ of it – sorry, I should have thought ahead that I might need to preserve documentary evidence of something I didn’t even realise was happening in about 1988 or something – and some of them started pulling out diagrams of azimuth paths or something in a bid to discredit a silly and entertaining anecdote.If you could spend Christmas with any celebrity, who would it be and how would you explain to them why you were in their house? Other than that you can find me sighing wistfully over Teena here and Louise here, and that I’ve also added in Play School‘s own far-out Wiccan folkie Toni Arthur, who should really have been on the list too. Our books regularly hit the bestseller lists, and we have powered countless authors to household-name status. In a sense he’s partly responsible for what’s happened since and I think if he could see the chaos that he caused, he’d probably be quite pleased. Meanwhile if you want to hear what happened when I tried to beat Noel Edmonds and the Hoofer Doofer on another obsolete entertainment format – the Telly Addicts Interactive DVD Game – you can find that here.

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there? Laugh if you must but I honestly believe that if the global media pumped out more joyful and celebratory sounds, stories and what have you to the largest audience imaginable, then it might, y’know, help a bit. If I could understand why I find them so hysterical, then frankly I’d understand a lot more about myself. If you had to have sex with a TV or film snowman or woman, if you had to, which famous snowman or woman would you have sex with and how would you guard against genital frostbite? Would you rather be able to stop time and rewind your life twenty seconds, but only once per day, or touch God’s cock?Mitch Benn remembered Nobody, the title character of long-forgotten third spook-centric children’s sitcom and rival to both of the above Nobody’s House in Looks Unfamiliar here. And it’s the same age as you, because if you’re going to clone something it would be a baby first and that would make this an inappropriate question. Incidentally, I’m equally puzzled by the after-the-event popularity of both Young At Heart and The Whole Of The Moon. Meanwhile for more upbeat if still baffled thoughts on modern dating and how they changed the rules without telling us – and how you can’t make compilation tapes to impress someone any more – head here.

Well, fear the excruciation no more, as Richard Herring's EMERGENCY QUESTIONS is about to change your life.I’m fairly certain that this particular towel ultimately ended up wrapped around a slow-leaking radiator valve in my bedroom, subsequent to which it presumably found its way into the bin. If, like Adam Sandler in The Cobbler , you had the power to transform yourself into any person with the same size feet as you by wearing their shoes after you’d cobbled them on a magic machine, which person with the same size feet as you would you become?

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