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No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Therefore, the more dependent a man is on external approval, the deeper he is going to have to hide his sexual behavior.

In one of the best selling self-help books of all time, Peck addresses issues of discipline, love and spirituality. Glover never explains what the difference would be between a legitimate, healthy, productive, and appropriate parental chastisement, punishment, or criticism, and whatever he imagines is causing “toxic shame” and thus “Nice Guy Syndrome. It thus is not true that you can disregard what other people think of you; but it also is not true that you always should or have to care about what other people think of you. By taking matters into their own hands – by practicing healthy masturbation – recovering Nice Guys can change the most basic dynamics that shape the bigger picture of how they do sex.And everyone needs to learn how to recognize when they are in a bad relationship, with a partner they really should not be with. I am here reviewing just the one book, which proposes a particular psychology of men, or at least of a particular kind of man (although it hedges on whether there even are any other kind of men but Nice Guys and ex-Nice-Guys).

Men do not choose to “not” get an erection; the cause can be anything from stress or anxiety to low blood pressure, or even, let’s be honest, a plain lack of sexual arousal.I am left to evaluate him just on a basis of philosophy and personal experience and the pertinent science I can reference, which is hardly scientific; I don’t need his book to do that. It is largely a waste of time for anyone to then try to tease out what he says actually holds up as sound, and what doesn’t. By shedding their chameleon skin and learning to please themselves, recovering Nice Guys begin to experience the intimacy and connection they have always desired. As a result of their internalized toxic shame, each developed a life paradigm that involved seeking approval and hiding perceived laws. His remaining two items don’t carry any of these risks: “He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving” and “He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.

Her book is extensively based on actual science, and provides science-based guidelines adaptable to pursuing and achieving any life goal, the pursuit of which will inevitably lead one out of any such conditions as “Nice Guy Syndrome,” should they really even exist. Exactly as I wrote earlier in this article: there is a difference between what society (feminist and otherwise) actually says is the problem with men (what makes them useless or bad, which always comes side-by-side with what would make them useful and good), and what these men misperceive as what society is saying.This is how the YouTuber Shaun, for example, escaped his own sexist attitudes toward and resentment of women: by actually talking to women, and actually listening to what they have to say. In other words, fallacious reasoning is easy to get to, yet will kill you less often than delay and indecision. Psychology has gotten a lot of things right and accumulated a vast and impressive database of good knowledge about the human mind and how it works (and doesn’t). A problem I encountered twice: When I needed CBT, it proved nearly impossible to find the right therapist. But we still need “psychologists,” so we throw chump change at them that all they can do with is fund garbage low-powered, small-sample studies with disastrous failure rates and useless effect sizes.

A civilized, rational mind will quite perfectly grasp that it can both be true that “psychology has a lot of problems” and “psychology has accumulated a vast body of useful knowledge we should pay heed to. Work out what actually is good and bad about you, and openly embrace the one, and just as openly work to fix the other. As men work on recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome, they begin to accept themselves just as they are. There is some trite “love yourself for who you are” psychobabble here, which has the merit of being sort of true, but easily misconstrued as saying something just as toxic as the attitudes Glover is trying to correct. But seriously, if what you mean is, do I recommend anyone ever read this book, my answer plainly is no.

A former president of the New York Chapter of NOW, Farrell has written numerous books on men’s issues and relationships. Over the last several years, I have watched countless men "do something different "by applying the principles contained in this book. Apart from the “Paradigm” he wants you to purge from your behavioral repertoire, he never explains that there actually are things that can be true about you that are bad and that you do indeed need to change (a good life is not simply about “accepting who you are as you are,” because sometimes who you are isn’t that great, and is in fact the problem); and though he warns against it, he still does not explain well the difference between genuinely changing yourself and merely pretending (“acting” a certain way as a project of “work,” rather than as a natural expression of your real self); or how to do that (his advice consists mainly of “act this way,” rather than “become this,” and he never provides or describes or even references any of the tools needed to do the latter, which is not so simple as just flipping a script—cognitive behavioral therapy is a complex and lengthy process). Even by his own proposed model and evidence, it is the ignoring of women’s actual concerns and complaints that causes the problem psychology that Glover is trying to fix.

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